Brexit Bores and Breakfast

So while I’m late to the game on covering the Brexit furore, I have some thoughts not on Brexit itself, but to those who voted (of which, by the way, I am one).

Whether you voted leave or remain, I think we all want to tell people who bring up Brexit at a party to leave – and to take their high horse with them before it takes a shite on the new carpet.

After the results, my Facebook newsfeed was like the ladies’ room at Hive – wet toilet roll on the floor, tears, sweat, hairspray and visceral arguments that make no sense whatsoever. But the stupidest voices are usually loudest, which became clear almost instantly.

Have your opinions. Express them vehemently if you feel it necessary. But those who express them at the Altar of Superiority and Intelligence are going to get their head chopped off someday. Is there anything more irksome than a student expressing their political views as if they’re the holy messiah and we are but their disciples, hanging on their every word in order to know which side to swing on?

I hate to generalise, but seeing as most of the people on my Facebook are students, they’re usually liberal lefties – the kind of lefties who post Buzzfeed articles about how crap Doanld Trump is and how they can’t believe that “nobody is talking about this!!!” eveen though they are and these people would know that if they spent time on any other news website. they share links upon links of opinion pieces which are handy ways of expressing their “opinions” without having to do anything as cumbersome as put it into their own words. They’re the people who post videos with headlines such as “This student had a problem with his teacher’s outfit. Their reaction is the best thing ever” (Sidenote: This video is never the best thing ever. It will illicit a chuckle or a nod of solidarity.  Gin and dogs will always be the best things ever).

You hear them before you see them at house parties. They simply cannot imagine why anyone could ever vote Leave. If they could, they conjure up an image of a grumpy old age pensioner waving a stick at young people, moaning about “the coloureds” with a swastika tattooed on their back. They can’t comprehend an opinion that doesn’t appeal to their notion of what a perfect ideology is. As they sob to the spirit of John Lennon that night in their bedrooms, they bemoan the decision of Leave, crying “How can people be so horrible and racist? I didn’t vote for this, so it’s not fair that we have to take it” Suddenly, they feel a cold hand on their shoulder. “It’s called democracy, you fucking hippie” John lennon’s ghost says in a calm voice. “it’s the very definition of fair.”

These are people throwing their toys out of the pram because they wanted a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunchbox for Christmas but Mummy and Daddy got them the wrong sort and it’s just so unfair.

The media has played into the Brexit Bore’s hysteria – according to sources such as the Daily Mail and the Telegraph, the public is to blame for opening Pandora’s Box and letting a swarm of flies with the face of Boris Johnson fly around the UK, spreading poison upon innocent bystanders. Thesesa May is driving the spaceship about to land on UK soil and kill off unsuspecting locals who just popped outside for a fag and a casual whistling session.

There will always be the Politics Bores who seem to be permanently balanced on a pedestal of their own construction, but Brexit seems to have given them an excuse to shout about it even more. Most of the time, people are too scared to knock them off it. But all it takes is challenging their view to find that their pedestal is made entirely of salted caramel ice cream and the process of knocking them off it is incredibly easy, not to mention absolutely delicious.

A note to all you Brexit bores out there. Bringing it up at a party is not “stirring the political pot” or engaging conversation. It’s taking a shit in the pot and making everyone feel awkward about it for the rest of the night. Also, the smell will never truly go away.

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